(via chivaloca)

I’ve been stuck on a merry-go-round, but today is the day I jump.

A Startling Ode to Depression

Summer is coming to an end.  The sun is still shining but the mornings are chilly.

All I want is to be outside, captivated by the gleaming light.

As I walk between the trees, I glare at the tall shadows.

I’m reminded of long winters yet to come.

Why must I dread the darkness when the light is still shining?

I’m afraid of the months that turn me into a silent car crash.

Yet, in another disgusting way, I miss identifying with the quiet, introverted, reflective one.

I miss being that girl sometimes.

Of course I enjoy the sun worshipping happy-go-lucky one,

But in some twisted way, I miss the thoughtful, emotional one who can feel

Everything.  Deeply.

Sometimes too deep, and she goes a little crazy.

She forgets that, come June, she will be the good ol’ happy life lover again.

Life can be beautiful, however, I think it’s better that we don’t become attached.

That we don’t desire to dwell here for all of eternity.

Depressed moments can lead us to hoping that something better exists,

A place beyond our wildest dreams.

Trying to turn my —-> I NEED A JOB!!! into ——> Wow God I’m so blessed, look at this beautiful place I can call home, and all these people I can call my family.

Exhaustion. Thoughts on how I’ll never be a superhero, and 3 outrageous confessions….

I’m so tired.  Physically and spiritually.  I’ve been waking up at 4am to go to CNA clinicals for seven hours (with a lovely smile on my face the entire day) while part of me is saying, “What the ______ am I doing here?!”  But the other part is peace from God saying, “It’s ok, I know this is uncomfortable right now, but you’re in the right place.  Just trust me.  I know the plans I have for you, and they are more WONDERFUL than you can ever imagine.”  I’ve also been babysitting like crazy to make money to pay for the CNA program.  So between babysitting and clinicals in a nursing home, guess what my first confession is………

1.  I’ve seen more POOP in the last week than in any other week of my life.

Seriously, I think CNA’s should be on the show “Dirty Jobs.”  I have SO MUCH RESPECT for them, it is truly a selfless job of giving back to the elderly who have offered so much to the world. 


2. When it comes to serving God/being a Christian/trying to be a generally good and moral person, it is sometimes EXHAUSTING IN EVERY WAY. Most of the time we don’t want to admit it to people, we just like keeping the happy face mask on over the struggle it takes to be a “good person.”  I’m saying that because….that is ME.  Let’s face it, we can’t wake up everyday with a spring in our step.  Sometimes just laying in bed all day looks way more pleasing than participating in life.  Other times we are on top of the world and just can’t get enough out of life.  I PRAY DAILY for renewed strength from God to face the day and do his will, because as a human, I GET TIRED AND FED UP!! Sometimes I just want to go off the deep end, I want to sin and make sure I do so before weighing out all the consequences that will make me feel more guilty. 

Which leads to my last confession…..

3.  I’ve been looking at way too much PORN lately…it’s like an awful way I’ve been unwinding at the end of a day.  Of course I justify it by saying to myself, “Well I’ve been good lately, working hard and all, I deserve it!”  YEAH RIGHT…. 

So you’re probably thinking, “Wow, what a creeper.”  That’s alright, I understand, and I feel like a dirty person to know that I struggle with lust sometimes.  I promise you that if you knew me in person, you would see me for the sweet and friendly 19 year old girl that I am, and YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS IN A MILLION YEARS THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PORN. (btw if you’re in the same boat as me, check out www.xxxchurch.com, it’s very encouraging)

I just wanted to get real with you all, show you who I am as a girl who loves Jesus and wants to glorify him.  Serving is so rewarding, but I’d be lying to you if I told you I love every second of it.  I am a girl who struggles, who constantly needs to get right with God, and who wants to surrender all my weaknesses to him.

Why is it that married couples are so beautiful when they have gone through something tragic like cancer?  It’s because once they have gone through it, they know that if they made it through that situation, that person will be with them THROUGH IT ALLThat’s exactly what it’s like with God, good or bad, he is always there.

A Mini Timeline on How I Chose Nursing…

  • At 4 years old I was obsessed with watching surgery shows with my dad after preschool
  • At 5 years old, a cousin of mine was in a drunk driving crash.  I begged to go in the room and see her but everyone said I was too young.  My dad thought it would teach me a good lesson, so he let me in.  I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN THAT IMAGE of her beat up body.  She is now brain dead after they brought her back to life.
  • At 11 years old, on my first day of 6th grade I had to save my mom’s life.  She has type 1 diabetes (the kind you get for no reason when you are young).  Her blood sugar was so extremely low, that thankfully I knew exactly what to do after all my parents had taught me.  KNOWLEDGE SAVES LIVES!
  • At 14 years old, I went on my first missions trip and realized that serving others was going to be my #1 passion in life.  No other experience that had to do with myself, whether it be a shopping spree or a luxury vacation has EVER brought me so much joy.  I wanted a career that was of great need, and could be taken across boarders.  What I love about nursing is that people trust you in their most vulnerable times of life.  I love the challenge because it uses every facet of your knowledge, physical body, and spirituality.

There you have it: I love being grossed out, challenged, interacting with people, being a comfort to them, using applicable knowledge, and serve serve serve others instead of just striving for success and wealth.

So precious!  These kids are truly courageous…when I become a nurse, patients with this kind of strength will be MY HEROS

P.S. Go Seattle! My hometown!!

Hahahaha…..nurses have the power to help or hurt you! :]

Hahahaha…..nurses have the power to help or hurt you! :]

Nursing Assistant School Week 1!

After one week of completing the whole workbook and practicing lab skills (handwashing, foot care, hand care, peri care, cath care) I can see that becoming a caregiver is going to be challenging and VERY HUMBLING!  I really respect CNA’s/NAC’s because it is a very selfless job.

**Caution** Must have a true compassion for the wellness of others in order to be content doing this dirty job.  It is not glamorous, but it is for those who love being around people (taking on their problems) and enjoy learning from the lives of others.

When life gives you mocktails…….mmhhmm drink up!!

When life gives you mocktails…….mmhhmm drink up!!


The Need-to-Knows of a Future Nurse

(via shesnotcute)

What’s In My RN Back Pack (by NurseMendoza)

Check out the man pack, love this guy

Nick Vujicic - “Something More” Music Video (by NickVujicicAIA)


Can’t wait to see him again this summer at Creationfest, he is my favorite speaker!!

To all the men out there: REAL MEN CHOOSE NURSING!  We want you!  And it’s a good way to pick up chicks…..jk :)

To all the men out there: REAL MEN CHOOSE NURSING!  We want you!  And it’s a good way to pick up chicks…..jk :)

(via jonathanvllamas)

I’d like to apologize…

…for all the Christians who have hurt you.  Whether it be a parent who abandoned you, a father who raped you, or a friend who judged you and thought they were better than you.  For people who tell you God is against you for voting a certain way (He has no political party).  I’d really like to apologize for those people with signs on street corners, who yell at you and tell you you’re going to burn.  That is not love, but Jesus is.  Every time he looks at you, he adores you like a new father gazes at his newborn child.  He is NOT against you, he is FOR YOU.

And for all the times I have neglected the poor, judged people, and chose to avoid showing someone Jesus’ love. 

I am sorry, please forgive me. 

In Jesus’ name, lead me to show your love.