I’m so tired. Physically and spiritually. I’ve been waking up at 4am to go to CNA clinicals for seven hours (with a lovely smile on my face the entire day) while part of me is saying, “What the ______ am I doing here?!” But the other part is peace from God saying, “It’s ok, I know this is uncomfortable right now, but you’re in the right place. Just trust me. I know the plans I have for you, and they are more WONDERFUL than you can ever imagine.” I’ve also been babysitting like crazy to make money to pay for the CNA program. So between babysitting and clinicals in a nursing home, guess what my first confession is………
1. I’ve seen more POOP in the last week than in any other week of my life.
Seriously, I think CNA’s should be on the show “Dirty Jobs.” I have SO MUCH RESPECT for them, it is truly a selfless job of giving back to the elderly who have offered so much to the world.
2. When it comes to serving God/being a Christian/trying to be a generally good and moral person, it is sometimes EXHAUSTING IN EVERY WAY. Most of the time we don’t want to admit it to people, we just like keeping the happy face mask on over the struggle it takes to be a “good person.” I’m saying that because….that is ME. Let’s face it, we can’t wake up everyday with a spring in our step. Sometimes just laying in bed all day looks way more pleasing than participating in life. Other times we are on top of the world and just can’t get enough out of life. I PRAY DAILY for renewed strength from God to face the day and do his will, because as a human, I GET TIRED AND FED UP!! Sometimes I just want to go off the deep end, I want to sin and make sure I do so before weighing out all the consequences that will make me feel more guilty.
Which leads to my last confession…..
3. I’ve been looking at way too much PORN lately…it’s like an awful way I’ve been unwinding at the end of a day. Of course I justify it by saying to myself, “Well I’ve been good lately, working hard and all, I deserve it!” YEAH RIGHT….
So you’re probably thinking, “Wow, what a creeper.” That’s alright, I understand, and I feel like a dirty person to know that I struggle with lust sometimes. I promise you that if you knew me in person, you would see me for the sweet and friendly 19 year old girl that I am, and YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS IN A MILLION YEARS THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PORN. (btw if you’re in the same boat as me, check out www.xxxchurch.com, it’s very encouraging)
I just wanted to get real with you all, show you who I am as a girl who loves Jesus and wants to glorify him. Serving is so rewarding, but I’d be lying to you if I told you I love every second of it. I am a girl who struggles, who constantly needs to get right with God, and who wants to surrender all my weaknesses to him.
Why is it that married couples are so beautiful when they have gone through something tragic like cancer? It’s because once they have gone through it, they know that if they made it through that situation, that person will be with them THROUGH IT ALL. That’s exactly what it’s like with God, good or bad, he is always there.